It's time to leave.
I've been giving much thought to this abrupt turn of events that happened between me and him.There was love. That I'm sure of. We were once invincible.But circumstances started wearing us out. And when that happened, we began to lose pace with each other's lives. Eventually, we started burning each other out with the need for attention at the wrong times. In the end, all we do is tolerate.I guess we finally realised that we've reached the tolerance limit.Still, I do not regret the times I spent with him. In fact, I've never felt this deeply for anybody else before. I've never planned this much about the future, or devoted so much of myself to anybody else. Everything felt so good, so real. But as they always say, all good things must come to an end.It's now the time to leave.So let's give this chapter a justifiably beautiful conclusion, shall we? Let's leave it in its prime, when things have not gotten ugly. Let's keep this in our hearts, so that when we look back, we will remember all the bittersweet memories instead of recalling a nasty experience. Let's be the friends we once were, and if fate ever decides that the time is right, our paths shall cross again.Today, I found the answer to the question that I've been thinking of for the past few days: Yes, I still love you. I still tear whenever I think of what we've been through. I still miss you. I still wonder if you're coping well.You don't know how much it hurts inside to hear what you've said.But that's all to it. As much as I smile and laugh with my friends, as much as I meet new people, as much as I try to act tough... I am not ready to jump back into the pool that I almost drowned in. I'm not ready for any pool, in fact.I need to catch my breath.I need to leave.I need to feel what it is like to be alone again.Only then, will I learn to love and cherish once more.Reason Why
- Rachel Yamagata
So I will head out alone and hope for the best,
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried.
And if one of us makes it big we can spill our regrets,
And talk about how the love never dies,
But you and I know the reason why.
It's
12:38 AM.
---
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A Little Tease
Photographer: Ah Vee
It's
12:27 AM.
---
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Decisions, decisions.
How many wrong decisions do I have to make before I come to the right one?Sigh.Anyway, does anybody have rabbits? I need 2 rabbits for an upcoming magic show, and don't worry, the rabbits will not be harmed AT ALL! Yours truly will be the rabbit handler, so I promise that they'll be in safe hands :)Please email me or something if you have what I'm looking for!
It's
10:46 PM.
---
Partners and Marriage
Just thought I share this with everyone else. Thanks for the article, Shirleen.PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage.Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each others company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way he/she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates. So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presences, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom…endlessly.
It's
11:23 AM.
---
Gone
My handphone crashed.Powder is missing again.Suddenly everything that reminds me of him is gone. And I don't even have to try.
It's
6:15 PM.
---
Healing and Repair
During the lecture on "Healing And Repair" yesterday, I can't help but be amused at how timely this lecture was held. But it was interesting listening to the pathology behind the healing ability of our physical self, and realising how similar it was to our emotional health as well.You see, when you have a fresh wound, acute inflammation sets in. This occurs very rapidly onset, just like how you feel that sudden heavy sense of dread when your heart sank upon hearing The Question. Neutrophils are the first to arrive at the site of injury, and these cells are like your close friends who lend you their listening ears and try to do some damage control immediately upon receiving the news. And of course, a painful sensation arises just like how your heart would ache. Eventually, the neutrophils and the big intimidating macrophages (aka your family) win the war and the inflammation disappears over time, allowing the tissue to regain its normal function (that's when you say "I'm over you."). But if the wound is too big, fibroblasts may occupy the area and produce plenty of collagen, resulting in the formation of scars. Just like the ones on your heart left behind by people who were once important to you.It still feels so raw inside. I want to be a goldfish.
It's
5:23 PM.
---
Post-Break Day #1
I survived today, although it was rather rocky.Thank you to all who have lent me their ears and did everything they could to make me feel better. I don't know how I'd pull through without you guys.Tomorrow will be better. I promise myself that.
It's
9:59 PM.
---
King
It's over.
It's
12:01 AM.
---
Lost Sheep
I think I'm losing direction.I need a sheperd... desperately.
It's
2:43 AM.
---
A Beautiful Sight
She was sitting next to me, slumped on the table, eyes closed.Suddenly, he appeared across the road, making his way down the long path to her.Almost intuitively, she opened up her eyes, caught sight of him, and jumped up in delight.She pranced happily down the road, and both of them moved towards each other like old lovers who have not met for the longest time.And when they finally reached each other, their hands touched, and they embraced as if it was the most natural thing to do. The smiles on their faces were the loveliest I've ever seen, and for that moment, it felt as if they were in their own world, and that nothing else mattered.Isn't love beautiful?
It's
6:35 PM.
---
Photographer: Ah Vee